today i learned that memory and disk space are important distinctions and the difference between a source file and an executable file. I needed to know this to troubleshoot a gem install. which was step 1 of using a fake test server. which i need to TEST the FIRST piece of code i have for a much larger project. which already took me a week and a half to get working. because i had to back the fuck up and learn a bunch more stupid basic level ruby.
i feel like someone handed me a scalpel and said “go figure out how to perform this simple surgery, it’ll be challenging but you’ll figure it out.”
and then i’m like “whoa! there’s blood under here! I better figure out what this stuff is made of.”
and then i’m like “OMG CELLS ARE A THING!”
and then i’m like “uh oh, everyone else seems to know cells are a thing. i better keep this to myself.”
but then i need to figure out how mitochondria work.
but i don’t know the word mitochondria.
i just know it as “the purple thing that’s not working right.”
and the internet doesn’t have any results for “a purple thing.”
cuz everyone else knows the word mitochondria.
and also to find it, i really need to know what a membrane is. and an organism. and a eukaryotic cell.
which are all new words.
meanwhile my patient is bleeding out.
so i ask another doctor.
and he tells me it’s easy, i just need to make an incision.
which doesn’t seem to make sense considering i thought i was talking about cells.
so i wonder if maybe i’ve been wrong about what the word incision means.
but i’m standing there with a scalpel in my hand.
so i figure i better the fuck not ask what an incision is.
then he goes back to his own patient.
and people are coming in and out of the hospital. arriving sick, leaving better.
and i’m still on my first patient.
and i can’t let him down. so i keep googling.
and finally i figure out what the purple thing is.
and temporarily stop the bleeding.
and he’s not completely healed yet. so i have to come in and do it again tomorrow.
and i want to practice at home. i should be practicing at home.
but i can’t bring myself to face all that stress again. so i take a night off.
and start again tomorrow.
hoping i don’t kill him this time.
sorry, that got carried away and super dark.
new strategy is to live at the office forever. if it takes me 10 hours to do something another engineer can do in 10 minutes, then i will work another 10 goddamn hours.